Seeing my SELF for the first time

I just started meditation last summer. I had no idea what it was all about. The different types and how it originated.

There was a new girl at work ,we were already bonding swiftly. She had a smile that transcended time and space. She had a calm kind word for everything. A way about her that drew me in. We instantly became close. I was training her for her new job. But little did I know that as I was showing her how to perform the functions of her new position , she was training me. In a different way.

This new friend asked me questions I had never been asked before. About my past, my path and what I wanted and needed in life. How I perceived some hurts and sadness from my past. She tapped into something that was there but covered. We had some similar experiences, and it was so easy to connect with her.

The days went by and I enjoyed every day we worked together. She taught me things as well about being a nurse and a holistic approach. Seeing the person as a whole. I always felt I did this, but now, it was all clear to me.

Being a nurse is so much more than your assessment and skill set. That is incredibly important and I do value that. But these are people. They are someone’s mom, or dad, sister, daughter or grandmother. And as a nurse we have to think about that, just as if it were my grandma or my brother. They are not just numbers on a census, an empty bed or a lost cause. They are so much more.

That was one thing I got Clarity on last year. We can bring so much more to our patients than the skills and education they gravely need. We can still bring a smile, a listening ear, a hug. Their health care team may be the only person they have who does care.

I’ve always taken pride in my job and being a nurse means so much to me.

But I then realized that my whole way of nursing was going to be more centered on each person and their needs. Carrying love and a smile to each one, knowing that it was who I was. And often I held myself back from sharing all this love I had to give. Which I can share more about at a later time.

My new friend asked me one day if I’d be interested in going to a meditation class. I will not lie , I had no idea what I was getting into. And I mean that in the most natural way. But I was open and interested. So I said yes, why not.

It was a Thursday night around 7 pm and we all met as a group. Other than my new friend from work , I knew nothing about any of these other folks. All of us walked in slowly to this kind woman’s home, her name is Barb. She had it setup so tranquil and I found my spot on the floor.

She helped me roll some floor blankets to support my sturdy legs and hips. I got nestled in and the lights were turned down low. She had soft calming music lightly in the background.

Barb has a great vibe about her, easy going and warm.

She explained the history of meditation. The preparation and ways you can make the most of your experience. This time We used a mantra. All of us gathered about 8 individuals, collectively chanting. It was a beautiful moment.

I had absolutely no idea that I would be brought to tears by my own thoughts and feelings on this night.

I expected to just feel calm afterward and relaxed , which I did. But I had no idea what would come up for me.

This was a transformative experience. The first of many.

My new friend could be there with me and this brought us even closer together.

I know that her asking me to go was exactly what I needed. She knew, because she is intuitive like that.

And barb knew as well. How to read the room and help us all through that experience. We then were all encouraged to write a few sentences about our experience. This was no problem for me , because I have been journaling the last few years.

Afterward we could share what we wanted with the group if we so desired.

I’m an outgoing person. But these were raw, completely unhinged thoughts and free flowing ideas. I thought to myself, “ok , so we are doing this. All these strangers , we are going to share what we just felt, saw, thought about ,Wow , ok , this is for real , for real !”

So I shared.

So that was my first experience with meditation. With me seeing myself, that was always there. My SELF. Always there, just finally tapping into everything that was there.

That self had a lot of depth to it. A lot more than I expected. Some pain, some anger, a little sadness, some fears, a lot of joy, feelings of freedom, eagerness , curiosity, love and peace. So much love and peace that Welled up.

I had never thoroughly been aware of all the feelings that come and go. Sat in them for a while. Allowing them to just be. Then allowing them to escape and seep out into the air.

That is another thing I learned. We all have feelings and thoughts. We often mask them by staying busy. I did this most of my life. Then I found that stopping, slowing down and paying attention to them is what we need. To feel them for a moment , acknowledge them. To treat ourselves ore kindly. It’s as if you can say “self I see you are hurt by the way this person treated you , they caused you pain. It’s ok to feel it. Now get back up darling. Be the strong woman you are.” And when you are mad or confused or sad the same thing.

We often don’t talk to ourselves in the most favorable way. And this is the foundation of where we form our thoughts, our motives and then our actions.

So last year I started to treat myself more kindly. I allowed me to be me.

I am more In touch with my feelings, and not everyone understands that . But I was kept in a figurative box with a key tucked away. And I allowed that to happen.

I am not locked up anymore though. Not my thoughts, or my desires , or my decisions I make. I am thankful for my life and what I have. I live for me now.

For the first time in my life. As I write this , I cry with joy and pride. Because I now know my resilience. Last year was bittersweet. Because with growth comes so much.

But now I have had more happy tears in the last year than I did in the 31 years prior. There has definitely been highs and lows. But I wouldn’t change that in any way shape or form.

I also know that everyone I met over the past year, every experience brought me closer. To my SELF.

My friend I told you about from work. I am so thankful to the universe for bringing her to me. I’m proud to have her as a best friend. And it was no doubt the stars lining up.

Published by emiddleton88

I’m Erika! A 32 year old newly freed spirit. I’m Always learning from life experiences,healing one day at a time. Sharing my thoughts in hopes that it may resonate with others. Im a work in progress, and feel I always will be. Hoping to help others to keep an open mind and do all things with love.

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