The end of the beginning

Thinking back to that day. That day we met, it was a Sunday. I didn’t know much about you other than a few short text conversations and a phone call. I knew you had a good sense of humor and a sexy voice with a southern drawl. I felt we had common interests, based on our dating profiles. Family, good food, friends, travel and the water. Even though you were a state away I felt you were worth meeting.

You knew I was only in town visiting family. I told you I did the 4.5 hour trip every few months and really enjoyed it. So you were well aware that I was not local. You mentioned you were from my state and that you visited your family as often as you could.

That afternoon before I headed back to Virginia, we met for lunch. You had excitement in your voice to meet and I was feeling the same. I told you I only had an hour or two before hitting the road.

When I arrived you came bearing a gift. You were especially proud of your job. As regional sales manager for a local soft drink company you wanted me to try it. And out you pulled these 4 little glass bottles.

As We laughed, and talked for hours ,you made me smile. Talking about your antics growing up with your brother. You were very talkative and full of life. Not boring at all. I lost track of time, completely. You seemed to be intrigued by me as well and time just flew by.

We had a great way of joking together and teasing that I loved, it felt natural. You were a gentleman, how you carried yourself , with me and the staff at the restaurant. 4 hours later I realized I needed to head home.

You walked me to my car and inspected my tires. You asked if I could let you know when I arrived safely.

You reached out for a hug, and I didn’t want to let go. Your smile making me Melt inside. And then we hugged again, although I secretly wanted to kiss your lips. I held back , I guess because it was our first date.

This was the most elated I had been in years.

You called me on my way home and we talked another 2 hours. You said you wanted to see to me again , your intentions were to know me better, and how much you enjoyed our time. I was beaming with excitement. I was attracted to your blue eyes , your smile and beard that looked like heaven. But your personality was absolutely dynamic. And you were kind, more than all else, you were kind. This was important to me.

My divorce was final and I was actually honored to go on a date with a real southern gentleman. I had dated a lot last year , but not had much luck with anything lasting. Most of the guys I dated were a big let down to say the least.

Over the next few months we talked on the phone here and there and mainly kept in contact with text and pictures. You were busy with your job and I with mine. But you listened when we talked and you were always a delight to talk with.

I visited my cousin again 2 months later. You invited me to a concert and I gladly said yes. I met your friends and saw how outgoing you were. And I loved it. We danced and drank and had a blast. You wanted to take care of me and protect me, I could tell that you cared. We got separated at the concert for a bit and you were concerned. I was chatting with a girl outside the bathroom and she thought you and I were married . I laughed and said “no but he’s my date.” When we found each other you kindly asked that I let you know if I was going to “go off galavanting and meeting new folks” . I thought this was sweet and quite endearing. You didn’t allow me to pay for a thing and even got me a cute band tee shirt. At this point I was a bit in disbelief that I was having so much fun.

I instantly got along with your friends and traded contact info to stay I touch. The band stopped playing and we said goodbye to your friends. You called an Uber and we climbed in. We stopped to grab “snacks” at a local gas station. I laughed and got to know our driver while you ran inside. We had had some similar experiences. You came back and laughed because I had made friends with a stranger. You then proceeded to give me chocolate you got at the quick mart. I was also amazed that you bought our driver a soda, lottery tickets and then when we got out a huge tip for our short ride. You didn’t have to do any of this, but you wanted to I could tell. I could see it was in your nature to do for others.

We planned to stay in a hotel and to not drive home after drinking. I admired how responsible you were. You brought a sleeping Bag to the holiday inn. To say I thought this was adorable would have been an understatement. I could feel the respect you had for me. And it was reciprocal.

We made love that night. All night , kissing and fucking and laying intertwined. I loved being in your arms. You made me feel beautiful , like a queen. But you also knew how to drive me wild, and turn me on. And now in this moment, I wish I laid with you in that bed, just a little while longer.

The next morning I got up to shower more abruptly than you. A while later You and I Both then started to get dressed. Somehow You tolerated my singing and dancing as I got ready. It felt so right just being with you. We played and laughed some more and then you started planning breakfast.

We went to eat at a local place. There was a wait and we chatted out on terrace having drinks.

A sweet girl was waiting too. She was a few years older than us both. She looked like she needed a hug, I could just tell from her eyes that they had some sadness behind them. Her and I talked a bit as you went in for refills. In our conversation I found she had just lost her mother. I instantly bonded with her as my mom is critically ill and in need of a heart transplant. I asked her if she wanted a hug and she fell into my arms. You came outside and asked what was going on. She talked to us both and said she was just stepping out to get her family lunch as they hadn’t done that since she passed away. She thought you and I were married since we were “dressed alike and had such good chemistry”. Not realizing that I didn’t even live in the same state. She asked how long we had been dating , and said “well I can tell its been a while”. I told her it was our “third date”. You and I grinned knowing that our 2nd date turned into a third.

They called her name and she went inside to pay for her order. I waited while you went inside as well. I assumed just to get refills. I then looked up and she was walking back out In tears and grabbed my arm. She said “are you aware what this man just did?” I looked at her unsure what she was talking about. She said that my date paid for all her families food. I was in shock at his kindness. I obviously thought this was Incredible. She told me to please Marry him because he was wonderful. I looked at her , I’m pretty sure I had tears in my eyes , and without any hesitation said, “I would love that “. We giggled. And she insisted on giving me something . Reached into her bag and gave me 2 gift cards to a local department store. I didn’t want to take them . She insisted saying that she wanted to do something for us. And that she wanted me to hold onto them. She said her mom was a match maker and she was also. She then proceeded to say she had a feeling about us and that it was good. I told her it Was kind but unnecessary. She once again insisted and put them in my hand, and said to hold onto them and share them with him when we get married one day. Her and I sat there in tears. Laughing and crying.

This day was unreal to say the least. This weekend was completely surreal.

This woman I met. She said that there was no way we met her by chance and that the kindness that was bestowed by my date and myself was the universe unfolding. I couldn’t have agreed more. I felt I had met her too for a reason. She told me stories about her mom , and encouraged me to cherish every moment with my mother. Her and I laughed and talked and my date came back out and she walked to her car. He then gave her some soft drinks to take home to her kids.

Finally our table was ready , and we went in to enjoy our breakfast. We talked and cried and laughed. You were able to be raw with me about some things that you healed close to your heart. I loved that. Our waitress asked how long we had lived in NC and how long had we been together and I said “ this is our third date”. She looked shocked and thought I was kidding.

I didn’t want to go that day. You walked me to my car. You started giving me snacks from your car for the road. Making sure I was prepared , looking over my tires again. We hugged, and kissed. We kissed for a long time. It was a great kiss. You said I was important to you. You held me so long.

He said “ I just want to be around you, that’s all I know”. Once again he asked that I let him know I arrived safely back in my home state.

We shared messages and phone calls off and on for a month. He came home to see his family over Christmas. He told me he was here and we chatted some. But he never tried to see me. That hurt. A lot. I told him how it felt. He said he was super busy with family and just couldn’t get away. I tried to understand although it confused me.

He also told me one night on the phone to do something unusual. He told me to write a number down. It was a local number ,not out of state. So I did. He said that if I ever needed anything to just tell the lady who answers I am a friend of his. I asked who’s number it was, and he later told me it was his mom.

I decided to call her the next day. You probably think this was crazy. But I knew how I felt about her son. And I wanted her to know she did a good job raising him. So, I told her. I told her that I met him a few months back, and he was a southern gentleman. Unlike anyone I had met. We talked a while on the phone getting to know each other a bit, and she was so sweet. She said if I ever was in her area to call her for a visit. She thanked me for the call, and I thanked her as well.

He told me his mom mentioned the call. We talked about it , and he said he really wasn’t all too surprised I called her. We had a good conversation but I’m sure my assertive nature caught him in his tracks. He would say I was “a wild one”. And he repeated again what he told me on our first date. That “you are a two handful girl”. Of course he would also say that he was up for the challenge. Although now looking back Im not so sure.

We played phone tag a bit after that.

Then I started to feel I really loved him. No one else I dated cold compare. I couldn’t get him out of my head. I felt I needed to move on. He was too far away and he had stopped communicating with me regularly. I felt if we wanted to make it work he would try. I tried to date other guys to see if I could get him off my mind. It didn’t work though.

So I wrote him a letter. Telling him how I felt about him. Minus the “ I love you” part. I felt comfortable doing this because I’m open about my feelings. I enjoy writing , and reading. And I don’t sugar coat anything. I felt I needed closure, and hoped this would grant me that.

So I really poured out my feelings. I knew it was risky doing this, but I just had to get it all out there. Letting him know what I saw in him and appreciated. I made it clear that he was important to me. I told him I thought I’d love to date him if he thought he could make it work. I knew it would be tricky with schedules and communication. But that I felt he was worth it , and I sure as hell knew I was worth it.

I got a missed call about the letter. He thanked me , but didn’t say much.

Since then, contact was limited.

My birthday Came and he reached out and sent me well wishes.

This man. This southern gentleman. He made an impact on me. He lingers in my mind. He knows how I feel. Yet he has not once tried to visit me here.

So what did I do. Well I have continued to date. To not give up on love.

I feel I may be a hopeless romantic.

Yes I have cared for others, and met some incredible people along the way.

And yet, 7 months later and everyone I meet just pales in comparison. No feelings are as strong as what I feel for him.

How is it possible someone can do this to me, miles away ?

He has since texted me that I have stayed in his mind as well. Even that him and his mother have talked about me recently.

I am at a crossroads.

I keep trying to date and move forward. I feel it’s not fair to my love interests to still have a longing for someone else. I also don’t know that it is healthy to keep him in my mind. To still talk about him here and there, and think about him more often than not.

Is it not Healthy to hold on to a love that I felt? Even if it was short lived. I know what I felt he did too.

Why else would a man treat me so well? Why would he tell me how important I am to him ? Why on earth would he tell me to call his mother if I ever needed anything locally when he lived out of state?

Why?

At this point I really don’t know.

The latest is Ive been dating someone almost a month. He is a nice guy. Attractive , kind , funny and sweet. He actually is my boyfriend. And this is the first time Ive really used this label. So it is a big deal.

It’s scary , but I think he Is actually boyfriend material. But its early on. And I do know that Ive been disappointed a lot by others. I’m not rushing it.

So I have a trip planned in a few weeks. To see my cousin out of state. And a huge part of me feels I need closure from this. In order to date and move forward. I need to hear a reason. A reason why it didn’t work out to continue dating.

Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he knew that long distance wouldn’t work with him. Possibly he isn’t ready for commitment. Or maybe my emotional side and openness scared the day lights out of him.

But Ill never know unless I try. So I decided I’m going to try to see him one last time. To hear how he feels. And to listen. To go into it with an open heart and an open mind.

I left him a voicemail telling him when I’m visiting. Hoping he is well and taking care of himself. I suggested we meet while I’m in town.

I don’t expect anything grand. I don’t think anything he says will change the course I’m navigating.

But I hope it at least gives me clarity. Clarity is all I ask for. I’m not asking for him to date me. I’m already interested in someone new, who I think is a genuinely good person.

But I deserve an explanation. A better understanding on why he never told me how he honesty felt about that letter I so feverishly worked on.

It may hurt. Ill probably leave crying and heart broken. But I need to hear it, whatever he has to say. Because I need to hear the truth.

That is what I need, transparency . In order to move on, wherever that is.

Published by emiddleton88

I’m Erika! A 32 year old newly freed spirit. I’m Always learning from life experiences,healing one day at a time. Sharing my thoughts in hopes that it may resonate with others. Im a work in progress, and feel I always will be. Hoping to help others to keep an open mind and do all things with love.

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